In 2007, I was shot through the spine, which left me partially paralysed from the waist down and in need of a wheelchair and walking sticks. During my time in hospital I learnt to walk again and also how to be independent in everyday tasks, however what they didn’t teach me was how to come to terms with my injury. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror I hated how I looked, and what I had become. Somehow, all I could see was my disability, and not the person I once was.
I was convinced my life was over, and I would be cast aside by society as I was no longer whole or healthy. I thought to myself: “Why would anyone give me the time of day after this. Who is going to accept me now?”
Coming out of hospital was a reality check for me as, in hospital, everything is wheelchair friendly and there are always plenty of people who would quite happily help if you needed it. The real world was a stark contrast to my safe, cosy, hospital bubble. I discovered that it was a place that often didn’t know how to deal with disabled people – practically or emotionally. For example, shops would be in-accessible, and the simplest of tasks had become long, tiring and complex.
Emotionally, I felt as if whenever I was in public, people went out of their way to avoid looking at me, as if they were pretending I didn’t exist. This also made me feel guilty, as when I was younger, I was exactly the same – avoiding eye contact with anyone who could potentially make me feel uncomfortable. Logically, I think people do it either because of poor education or downright ignorance, however, knowing that didn’t make it hurt any less.
I do believe that there is an urgent need to educate our young people about disability; I know that if we ‘de-shrouded the myth’ and allowed people to see into the heart of disability, and the disabled person then perhaps we’d be treated less like outcasts of society. In reality, I’m just normal, the same as everyone else, except that my legs don’t happen to work as well as everyone else’s… It baffles me that – to this day – some people just don’t get that.
I am so very fortunate that I am surrounded by so many people that understand my disability, and what that means for me… the reality is that this didn’t happen overnight; I had to learn to teach my family and friends about my disability and show them that I was essentially, the same person as before.
It wasn’t easy though, as I often found that if I moaned about my disability to an able-bodied friend then they’d come out with some meaningless platitude, often: “time heals, keep going and you’ll get there in the end”, or worse still “Oh why don’t you just get over it and move on.”
Well as anybody who has experienced a traumatic event will tell you, you will never get over what has happened to you, never. In my opinion it is all about accepting what has happened to you and then moving on to the next chapter in your life. This is easier said than done, believe me. It took me well over three years to realise that this was just the situation I was in and blaming people, hating the insurgent who shot me or just cursing my bad luck wasn’t going to change a thing; it wouldn’t magically ‘fix’ me, I would still be disabled, but I’d be far more bitter than any one human should ever be!
I found the best way for me to start the process of healing emotionally was to focus on what I could do and not what I couldn’t. I connected with an amazing initiative called Battle Back, which is a Military programme for wounded service personnel as well as wounded veterans & funded by the ever brilliant Help for Heroes. It might sound dramatic to say that Battle Back changed my life, but in all honesty, that is exactly what it did.
Through Battle Back I took part in adaptive skiing – which is brilliant by the way – I went diving in Cyprus, canoeing and kayaking in Austria and was selected to take part in a Paralympic training camp in San Diego. These activities slowly taught me to be confident in myself once again, they taught me that my body might not work quite the way it did, but that it was a long way off being utterly useless. Most importantly, they taught me that life could be full of adventure, adrenalin and, most importantly, fun!
Ultimately, it was Battle Back and adaptive sports that lead me to take on the greatest challenges of my life, climbing Mt Kilimanjaro and trekking to Everest Base Camp with the military Charity Help for Heroes. It was these challenges that really cemented my newly regained self-belief and gave me the confidence to throw myself into life and every wonderful opportunity that came my way. Above all else, I learnt that if I want to find a sport that really challenges me then I try every adaptive sport that I come across.
I am six years on in my recovery and, as I have said in my other Blogs, early this year (2013) I finally found the sport that I want to do at a competitive level and I am hopefully going to be part of the GB Sledge Hockey Team and take part in the Winter Olympics next year in Sochi, Russia. It took me five years to find my sport and in those years I tried every sport that came my way, from Hand Cycling to Swimming and everything in between!
Essentially, it’s all about doing the research to see what’s out there, trying not to think about what the sport use to be for you and not to shy away from giving a sport a go. Then you can make an informed decision on whether you want to take that sport or hobby further. You never know, there could be something waiting, just around the corner, which will bring joy to your heart and bring back that smile you once had.
Over the years I have come to terms with my disability and believe me it has been tough and at times unbearable. However, I am a fighter and, as my Mother would say, quite stubborn minded at times. It was that stubbornness, the will to fight on when the battle seemed to be well and truly lost and the love of my family, which got me through those dark days and made me the person I am today. Just to be clear, the fight does not stop now that I have come to terms with my disability, in fact it is ongoing, and that’s what makes you and I stand out from every other ordinary able bodied person; sometimes it is good to be different!
I do hope that if you are reading this and are going through a hard time, you will realise that you are not alone. There are many charities out there that can help you realise your potential and help you come to terms with your disability and give you the determination and tenacity to help you walk the path you have ahead of you. It is okay to ask for help every once in a while. Do not think it as a sign of weakness, because it isn’t. It’s a sign that you recognise that you are in need of help and that is half the battle of coming to terms with your disability.
Until next time folks…