Sex and Sex-Ability

I was in bed with a long-term partner of mine and I was feeling rather amorous. She was slowly dozing off, but I thought I could wake her with my sexual advances. So, I started to play footsie with her thinking this is a good way to warm her up and give her the signal I was ready to play. This playful footsie went on for a few minutes more before I introduced a sexy soft hand across her midriff when she jumped out her skin and shouted, “What are you doing? You could have warned me you were going to start sexy time.” I replied, “I’ve been playing footsie with you for the last five minutes, darling. How obvious could I be without waving it in your face.” She came back with, “No you haven’t. You’re not touching me.” I looked under the covers, and there I was playing footsie with my other foot. I couldn’t believe it; I had been touching myself rather than my other half. We laughed about it at the time and just chalked it up to another one of those moments that comes with being partially paralysed from the waist down.

My name is Jon Le Galloudec, and I was injured over 18 years ago at the age of 26, that left me with a spinal cord fracture of the L4/5, and another L1 fracture years later playing sport. I am left with partial paralysis from the waist down, but mostly affecting everything below the knees, however it does affect some muscles in the quads and glutes as well. I also have issues with the bladder as I am still catheterising years later, and that will probably never change for the foreseeable future. I have been able to overcome most things in my life post injury, but what happens when you leave the hospital’s primary care and want to approach a simple subject like sex after being left disabled? Let’s face it disabled people still have sex and still want sex. Being in a wheelchair or being a double amputee doesn’t mean you go off sex. I have loads of disabled friends who are in long term relationships, but I also have loads of friends who are not, and still want casual sex, and why not. Disabled people are no different to able-bodied people in the sense that we all like the feeling of being intimate with another person.

So, what is sex like from a disabled persons point of view? Well, for me, it hasn’t really changed much in the raw sense of the matter. What’s changed is the build-up, and the ability to do lots of different positions. When I was in the pub once, a few years ago, someone asked me what my favourite sexual position was, and I could only reply with, “Well, now, it’s in a comfortable bed.” That got a few laughs, but it was kinda true. Even preinjury did I ever do the ‘spinning cartwheel’ position or the ‘lift her up over your head, spin her upside down into a standing 69.’ Cause I bloody didn’t. That would require a whole ropes team, and a few safety mattresses and, is it actually pleasurable to the point that it’s your favourite position? Well, I will let you answer that one!

That sort of stuff should be left to the porn industry, or those professionals who really know what they’re doing. Me, I’m happy doing everything in a comfortable Super King-size bed with Hungarian Goose Down feathered duvet, and Egyptian Cotton sheets. I know, I have changed… when I was a teenager it was anywhere, anyplace. That still doesn’t mean I can’t do spontaneous sex, it just means it requires a little bit more planning, and preparation than just whip it out and lets go. I mean you can’t forget the seven P’s… ‘Prior Prep and Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.’ That can be used for anybody, able-bodied or otherwise. For me I need to know, can I get my leg into this position without it causing pain or will we both be able to reach an orgasm in this tiny, cramped wardrobe. Again, I will let you be the judge of that.

For lots of people who are disabled, sex needs to be talked about beforehand, and if you’re talking to a complete stranger, at what time do you slip in (forgive the pun) ‘I only have one leg’ or ‘I am a spinal, and my balance isn’t what it used to be’ into the conversation. You don’t want to be on the bed all warmed up, then take your leg off, and he/she is left lying there thinking, ‘Oh My Fucking God, why didn’t you tell me about this before.’ It can be a shocker if you’re not expecting it. There is no right time to drop the blue badge talk to your potential sexual conquest unless you are obviously disabled like in a wheelchair or wearing shorts and have a bionic leg, then I’m sure he or she will be drawn to it and curiosity will undoubtedly get the better of said person, and will proceed to ask you questions, which in my eyes is a good thing. People are naturally curious and want to know more about the things they don’t know. This is where I would steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go, respectfully of course.

Speaking with someone who, not long ago, fell ill and ended up in a wheelchair, she said to me, “It was hard getting back into the dating pool because I am still learning what my body can and can’t do. Also, I had to make sure there was a level of trust and respect before hooking up with anyone. I have always been open and honest with people about my condition and have found out that communication is key in situations like these. If you’re honest with that person you can’t go wrong. However, that has led to a lot of rejection, and that is the hardest thing to accept as being in this wheelchair isn’t a fashion accessory, it was series of circumstances that were out of my control, and I now have to live with the fact that this is my life now. That being said, I am made of some stern stuff and have the attitude that if it’s not meant to be, then move on and find someone else.”

“Having a body that doesn’t always work has led me to change my attitude towards sex, for the better I might add. I no longer see it as two people coming together with a shared goal of climaxing, but two people in the moment being intimate having skin on skin contact and being tactile with each other. I have found those moments to be a more enjoyable experience than just sex. I have also had to evolve and learn to adapt with my body and five years now being disabled my experience of sex is only going to get better. As long as you communicate, and be honest, you can’t go wrong.” This person wants to be nameless, but I couldn’t agree more with her.

So where does one start when they’re wanting to look for a partner or casual sex? Well, I can only speak for myself here and it is pretty much in the same places as anybody does when they are looking for a bit of sexy time. Online dating spaces, pubs and clubs, work and friends and many more places. Again, I can only speak for myself here and for me I had to find out what sex was going to look like for me and was it different? As I said before the fundamentals of sex have not really changed; it was the build-up to said intimacy that was different. I now value the emotional side of sex, the flirting games you play and skin to skin contact all before intercourse. The famous line in the film ‘American Pie’ rings very true “You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey” Gone are the days where sex used to be a race… where I always came first! Lol

Yes, sex may be different for a disabled person or, not what you may be used to, however this does not mean it has to be bad sex. You just got to find out what works best for you and your partner. Discuss it with that person and find out what you can and can’t do. Make it fun. Make it interesting. I have had quite a few questions about sex and the only way I can answer them, is as honestly as I can… find out what you like, what gets you all hot and bothered. How you do that, well, I shall leave that up to you. Once you find out what works for you, and don’t forget what doesn’t work, you can go out into the world with confidence. So, when you come together with a prospective partner you can communicate those desires of yours clearly and have a good and prosperous sex life together.

So go out into the world and have fun, albeit safe and consensual fun, and find out what works for you. Experiment if you want to, research what you think you will like and want to try when you get with another person and hopefully you will find your heaven. Because everybody deserves a good and pleasurable sex life regardless of your disability. Don’t be afraid to seek medical advice from your GP if things are not going the way you thought it would. Sometimes there are just things that are out of your control and would need medical intervention. Shortly after my injury I was in need of Cialis, and that worked for a short time until I didn’t need it anymore. Sometimes you just must pull up your big boy/girl pants and accept that you need outside help. It takes a big person to admit they need some help. So, as I said before, go fourth my little sexual beings and find out what you like as everyone deserves good sex.

Till next time folks…